Mourning the Death of Relationship

Last night, I started a bible class that expounds on the the trap of being offended by betrayal and hurt. And lets face it, everyone has been offended at some point; and, if you haven't, you will be sooner or later. Perhaps you're already offended that I said you'd be offended. 

Towards the end of the session I was reminded of a hurt I still had from someone whom I considered close to me. This person was a spiritual family member to me, whom I received some good counsel and advice from during my formative teenage and young adult years. 

The hurt came about almost two years ago when there was a sharp disagreement and after several heart to heart meetings to try to bring about reconciliation we had to settle that the friendship was over. We left on as good of terms as we could, hugging it out, but lets face it -- when you're hurt a hug doesn't do much to console your true feelings. After that they cut me off as if I didn't exist. In return, I confess, I did the same, removing them from my Facebook list of friends, even blocking them and simply avoiding them at all costs; not because I hated them, but because it just hurt to see them.

It wasn't perhaps the most tactful way to deal with this, but at the time seemed like the only way either company knew how. In the end it became a Paul and Barnabas scenario where we just had to go our separate ways.

"They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord." Acts 15:39

Now had this been someone that I didn't much like to begin with, I believe this parting of ways would have been like ripping off a band aid. Sure it would have stung at first, but that would have quickly passed and I would have been free to go on to my other endeavors unscathed.  

This, however, was not the situation. Instead this was someone who taught me in Sunday school when I was a kid, someone who gave me some good advice when I needed it and someone who, at one time, gave me and my wife gifts to let us know we meant something to them. And then in one swift disagreement I felt disowned and abandoned, and found out later I was slandered even by the same lips that once gave us praise. This hurt...bad. 

If an enemy were insulting me,
   I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
   I could hide.
But it is you, a man like myself,
   my companion, my close friend,
with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
   at the house of God,
as we walked about 

among the worshipers. 

            -Psalm 55:12b-14

My hurt was real and it stung. Nearly two years after the incident, I'm sitting in this class about hurt and offense and thinking about this person that disowned me. When it first happened I was very angry and as I mentioned earlier reacted by trying to disconnect from them in order to avoid the pain. And for months after I asked God to help me forgive. Daily I would have to pray, "Lord I forgive _______." But somehow the hurt remained, and because the hurt remained it would sometimes conjure up more anger towards that person.  

Last night as I came home I started talking things over with my wife. As we were discussing it all there was a knock at the door. A friend had come by to randomly check up on me. As we sat down and started talking I told him about what I was going through.

He began to tell me a story about his own similar experience. He said that he had a friend betray him in the past and that although they worked it out the best they could and forgave each other, there was just no saving the relationship. He said that this sadness still wells up in his heart every time he sees this person out and about to this day. He instructed me that perhaps what I'm dealing with is the mourning of this relationship as one mourns the death of a friend.

I've been told that for divorced people it can be twice as hard to deal with as someone who loses a loved one who dies, because where a loved one passes on and the memory lingers on, for a divorcee their loved one simply leaves yet they are still physically around, haunting each other with hurt memories and a life that could have been. Plus, the deceased had no choice in the matter of leaving, every man owes a death. However, for those willing to walk out on a loved one, they leave behind a harsh scar of abandonment and rejection. 

So where does this leave me? I'm at a place now where I have fully forgiven, but there still remains a place of sorrow for the time of fellowship I once had. You can't avoid offenses; all you can do is get over them and forgive. And sometimes friendships fall apart. Its part of life. As you grow older, you change, and because you change sometimes that affects the way people perceive you and relate to you. The moment that a trial or hardship comes, some people only know how to abandon and move on. Its a defense mechanism that you can't adjust for others, only yourself. So, therefore, because people make mistakes, relationships fall apart and sometimes the only option is to just move on.

For me, I'm alright with that as a last resort. I never made a vow to be with anyone for the rest of my life other than my wife. And that's the only relationship I would fight til death to keep. As for other friendships and relationships I've realized that they come and go in seasons. I've been blessed with many friends all over the world and I share sweet fellowship with them in seasons. Some, however, I've had to move on from because we just grew apart. That I can deal with fine when they end with a simple goodbye. Its the times that they end in hurt that bother me.

So, who knows? Paul and Barnabas did end up many years later patching things up and working together in fellowship again. For everyone who has lost a friend due to a sharp disagreement, I encourage you to forgive, to mourn your loss and then to remember the good things about those you have lost in order that you may bless them with the love of God. Perhaps this is only for a season. All I know is forgiveness is never an option, it is undoubtedly mandatory.

"For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

-Matthew 6:14-15

I am just glad that God always loves me even if I have chosen, at times, to part ways with Him, yet He always takes me back with open arms.